Sigh.

I'm not even going to say it. Okay, just once. I neglect my blog. There it is, now I'm going to leave it alone.

I pick up this blog on a momentous day: the last day of summer vacation for Jonathan, who starts full-time kindergarten tomorrow morning, bright and early. We've already had the meeting, met the teacher, taken his supplies in. We've bought the clothes, we've colored the name tag. The letter to the teacher "Getting to Know Jonathan" has been written and printed and all the forms are filled out and ready to go. So all that's left, all that remains, is one sad Mommy watching her little boy go to school all day, every day.

I'll miss him. I'll never let HIM know that - he's too sensitive. He'd feel bad about it. He'd find a way to turn it into his fault. He'd cry. So, I tell him how wonderful it will be and how much fun he will have, which is the truth. He loves school - he loved his pre-k last year and I know he'll thrive in kindergarten. If they only do half the stuff they say they'll be doing, they'll be doing a LOT. And he tells me he can't wait. He dances around the kitchen, sticking the LAST sticker on the "countdown to school" calendar. He giggles and wiggles and he probably won't sleep much tonight. And that makes me happy, and that makes me proud. I guess if I had to watch my baby go off sad, it would be 1,000 times worse for both him and me - but if I can watch him go off happy, then that's all a mommy can ask for.

And then, as soon as he's gone for most of the day, it's mommy and Matthew time, at least until #3 arrives around Christmas! Mommy and Matthew have lots to do - potty training for one. Scouring the house down to the bare woodwork - a Fall-long project because I think I'll be extremely busy come 2010. Setting up the bedroom, buying new furniture, getting carpet installed, setting up the nursery...again. Going through baby clothes, cleaning out closets. It's a big list, so Matthew and I will be very, very busy, and I tell myself, time will go by so fast, I won't even notice my big boy isn't there. But I don't believe it. I'll notice. I'll miss him like crazy, and maybe it's a funny twist of fate that I wound up pregnant again - a distraction from the process of saying "don't grow up too fast" while actually watching them shoot up like little weeds, and disperse themselves to all corners of the world.

Yes, Jonathan, one day you'll read this, and find out how Mommy REALLY felt.