So, You Want Kids?

Well, it's been a long couple of days. We just got back from a 2 night stay at my mom and dad's house; both Mark and I had work meetings near Annapolis, so we spent a few days down in the area. Today was actually my meeting - and I had to be there at 7am. Which meant that I had to get up around 5:30, which I was dreading. But somewhere in between showering and getting dressed, I had this amazing revelation. Everyone was asleep (well, everyone except my sister who was up getting ready to go to HER job). But everyone else was sacked out - which meant I didn't have to change any diapers, I didn't have to make anyone breakfast. I didn't have to break up any fights, I didn't have to search through 300 channels before I figured out which one was the one with cartoons at my parents house, where cable is all different. I didn't have anybody pulling aside the shower curtain saying "Mommy, what are you doing?" I didn't have to match up sippy cup lids and valves and cups. I didn't have to find the "red car" that got lost somewhere in the backyard the night before. I didn't have to rush. And I didn't have to think of one person's needs...except my own. No. All I had to do was shower, get dressed and walk out to the car and drive away. It was.....refreshing. Now would I want to do this every day? No way. As a matter of fact, that's why I was so excited about this new job - working from home, allowing me to keep much of my own schedule and NOT having to get up early, to shower, to get dressed in something other than shorts and a tshirt, to drive. But on this one day, I had some freedom from the usual drudgery, and it really felt good. But coming home after a long day to sticky kisses and warm little hugs made me forget all about the freedom of my morning...I had missed my little guys. They were in good hands - I left them with my mom and dad for the day so I wasn't worried....but I just missed them. Can't have it both ways! And so I leave you with this, which I copied off Michelle's blog, and I think she copied it from someone else. But it is so true - I had to laugh out loud several times reading this thing. Enjoy! And thanks, Michelle for the laughs, and for the blog fodder, and by the way, yes, we know ALL about 2 year olds who don't want to sit in their stroller. It's not fun. Not fun for us, and horrifically not fun for anyone within a 25 yard radius.

Thinking of Having Kids?
Do This 10 Step Program First

Lesson 1
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…
1. Methods of discipline
2. Lack of patience
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels
4. Allowing their children to run wild
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

Lesson 2
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approx. 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down gently, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.
4. Set alarm for 3am.
5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2am and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45.
7. Get up at 3am when alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4am.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive.)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

Lesson 3
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out…
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

Lesson 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this- all morning.

Lesson 5
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, them smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Lesson 6
Go to the grocery store. Take the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Lesson 7
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 9 month-old baby.

Lesson 8
Learn the names of every character from all shows on PBS, the Disney Channel and Noggin. Watch nothing else on TV but shows from these channels for at least 5 years. (I know, you’re thinking “what’s Noggin?”) Exactly the point.

Lesson 9
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Lesson 10
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from lesson 9 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.